WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
