don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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