i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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