would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
