The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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