I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
