I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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