Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
