I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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