I puked a lego.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
