you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
