Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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