I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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