i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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