now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
