My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Drake has all the answers
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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