Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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