Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
