I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
