Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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