Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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