I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
