Just fell off a train. Bad.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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