You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
