I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
