i don't like sucking hair
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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