Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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