how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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