Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Small penises have feelings too.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
