I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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