Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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