I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
accomplished twins. life is a go
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
