just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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