I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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