I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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