wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
