My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
