My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Life is so much better after having sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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