Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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