I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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