If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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