i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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