Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
