Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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