I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
