There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
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