How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
