burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.