I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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