Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
