i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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