it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
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So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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