it glows. i had to have it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
