I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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