Four minutes until I can fart!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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