The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
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I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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