the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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