If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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