my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
